Speaking of Trust....

That is sure something I needed to do, especially in the beginning. I was on a vent for 10 days in a medically-induced coma. They had trouble taking me off and my prognosis was bleak. Of course I have to trust what folks have told me about those first two weeks because I don't remember a bit of it.

I knew something catastrophic had happened to my body because I wasn't able to hold a cup of water let alone walk around like nothing had happened. The first day PT came in to help me stand on my own two feet I thought I was going to die. Standing up on my own that first time was the hardest thing I've ever done. It was insane. And taking those first few steps? I can't tell you how hard that was.

The weird thing was that I just woke up like that one morning. I had no memory of being that sick. My doctor came in, we talked about a plan to get me up and moving, perhaps transferring to a rehab hospital for a short time. I explained that I didn't understand what happened to me. And she said words I'll never forget: "You are going to have to trust those of us who have been here taking care of you."

So why should that be so memorable? Because it is so hard. At least it is for me. My mother always said that the first words out of my mouth were not the typical "doggie" or "da-da." No, my first words were "me do." My nickname growing up was "Little Miss Me-Do" and I admit that I still resemble that remark.

Trust us. Sure. I am a control freak, which is a difficult and somewhat embarrassing thing for a pastor to admit. How many times have I preached about surrender? How many times have I told someone to let go of control and trust God? Here I was, Little Miss Me-Do, unable to feed myself. Talk about a humbling experience.

I trusted those around me because I didn't have any other choice. And it wasn't easy at times. I've been on my own for thirty years. I've become very used to doing things my way and coming and going as I pleased. And here I find myself like an infant again, unable to do much of anything for myself. So I had to let go. I had to allow others to take care of me, as difficult as that was.

When I was finally able to let go, I was able to find a certain peace. I had to surrender myself into strangers' hands again and again. These were folks who didn't know me other than as a patient and I didn't know them at all. Folks helped me go to the bathroom. Others helped me walk. Still others gave me baths and showers. I had to trust these folks to help me because I was unable to take care of myself. And "Little Miss Me-Do" was okay with that.

So this begs a question with regard to faith. If I was so willing and able to trust these strangers to care for me, why is it so hard for me to let go of control and trust God? God who knows me better than I know myself. God who loves me far more than I could know. When we are unable to let go of control, we fail to trust God. That is something I want to get much better at. Let go. Trust God with everything, small and large. And just be. There is such joy and peace in that. Oh Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.